Thursday 22 October 2015

55 things I learnt about Belgium.

1 - It's a dangerous place to drive.

2 - They love a good Friture.

3 - Everybody stares.

4 - I don't think they have planning permission because every house is different.

5 - They love having holidays, at least one a fortnight seems the norm. Oh and lots of places are closed on Mondays. Convenient.

6 - They have very good chocolate shops, many of which offer freebies.

7All the bike shops are extremely helpful but if you need something within say, a week, you're better off ordering from Wiggle.

8 - It's always windy.

9 - They have 3 languages, or maybe 4, I'm really not sure, and to be honest I don't think they are either.
10 - They eat crisps before dinner, almost like a warm up for your belly.
11 - Colruyt is awesome.
12 - Decathlon is always busy and a great place to go if you're bored and fancy a game of table tennis (or a bit of fancy dress). 

13There is little to no violence or crime.
14 - Cyclists don't wave, they just stare.
15 - Beer is strong. 

16 - They have a very strange logic, as if doing things simple just isn't an option. They excel at making things complicated.

17 -  Every car is either black, grey, or (for the adventurous) a light shade or grey. I can only assume this makes replacing parts more affordable when they inevitably have their monthly crash. 


18 - They're straight talking people, even if what they want to say is in no way necessary and will only be upsetting/soul crushing, they will say it.
19 - The cows/bulls are massive.

20 Men dress very smart when they go to socialise.
21 - 70% of the radio is talking, 20% is French rap and 10% is bearable.
22 - Waffles are fit.
23 - Don't be surprised to see most of your breakaway companions spending more time looking behind rather than in front.

24 - Parents at bike races do everything, even if their son is a fully grown man.
25 - It doesn't rain  anywhere near as much as people say, in fact the weather is generally not too bad, especially good in summer and delightful in September/October. 
26 - Stuff is cheap; rent, fuel, food etc.

27 - It's not all flat, where I live it's definitely not flat, and south of Namur it's very very not flat.
                                   
28 -  Old guys love race bikes, it doesn't matter that they don't get above 25kph, they will still ride an S-works Venge with 404 Zipps.
29 - Vascness comes easily racing in Belgium. 

28 - Kermesse volunteers are heroes.
29 - they have 58million less inhabitants than the UK but 3 more governments than us... go figure.
30 - It might not be true but I read online that 60% of Belgians wish they were born elsewhere, it's certainly believable.
31 - Their bakeries are exceptional.
32 - They will keep speaking Dutch even after you say you're English.
33 - They will stop speaking French all together when you say you're English.
34 - It's not a myth that the racing is pretty sketchy and often lined out.
 35 - They all spend more time looking at or on their phones than actually looking at the road while driving.

36 - Tom Boonen is God. 

37 - Finding a parking space in a city like Leuven or Brussels in the middle of the day is a nightmare.
38 - There's almost as many churches as bars, although I never see anyone going in and out of them. The same cannot be said for the bars.

39 - They will happily drop the f- bomb on the radio at 9am.
40 - The novelty of cobblestones does wear thin after a few months.
42 - Time passes slower in Belgium, I don't know how or why this happens, but you will find yourself doing unnecessary tasks to fill the day, like cleaning your car engine with a wet-wipe, looking at your legs, or organising a garage that will be a mess again before you even get back in the house. You will also take pictures of all these things and send the photos to relatives, friends or even house mates hoping that they will compliment you on your achievements.

44You'll spend a lot of time thing "what the f*ck am I doing here?"

45 - Cars aren't fitted with indicators.
46 - Staff all greet each other when they arrive at work (ie colruyt) which is really nice to see.
47 - The number of wheels and tubs you need for racing in Belgium is N+1 (N being the number you think you'll need). 



48 - The phrase/gesture of thank you is difficult for them (ie holding open doors, letting them go first in traffic, you will be greeted with a confused and vacant stare.) 

*(Addition; they're also not particularly remorseful people, I found if they say sorry it's either not a genuine apology, or they're just not sorry for what they've done in any way, shape or form.) 

49 - The post office is never open.

50 - It's easy to go insane if you spend too much time living with the same people in the same place. 

51 - You might be able to fight the insanity for a little while. 

52 - But Belgium will crack you eventually. 


53 - You have to give way to cars from right hand junctions. How the people who are in charge of transport in Belgium think this is a good idea I'll never know. It's basically just a recipe for a complete disruption of the flow of traffic and rear end collisions. Oh and not everybody adheres to this rule. Some people fly out of roads from the right (I've landed on a bonnet) and some stop and look, so it really is a completely pointless rule.

54 - They really do love going to watch a bike race, amateur or pro, rain or shine.

55 - All things considered it's really not a bad place to live, just a bit confusing.

Tom.